
This past weekend I attended a two day parenting course. It coincided with the first weekend of truly beautiful spring weather. Although it was glorious outside I gladly gave up my Saturday and Sunday to sit in a conference room and listen to parenting theories and practical techniques. The course offered a different approach from that displayed on prime time TV with Supper Nanny and Nanny 911. These programs espouse the Behaviorist model (think Pavolv’s dog) which is all the rage in parenting right now. Typically parents in the past tended to use an autocratic style, “You will obey my command because I am the parent and you are the child” or more commonly today a permissive style is used where the children are the Kings and Queens of the house and the parents have become hand servants. This overly permissive style, and the social unacceptability of the autocratic method has opened the door for “time outs” and a system of rewards and punishments found in the Behaviorist model.
However there is another way, an alternative that really looks at the dynamic of the parent child relationship in a more holistic and self-aware framework. This method has been termed Adlerian for the psychologist Alfred Adler who in collaboration with Freud and Jung founded the psychoanalytic movement. Adler emphasized the idea of social equality and democratic family structures instead of the more hierarchical models including Behaviorist.
The idea is that when we as parents impose and enforce rules we encourage rebelliousness, when we offer rewards for obeying we raise expectations of rewards in all situations, and when we violate or punish our children they punish us back. Anyone who has a toddler can easily see and recognize these psychodynamic patterns of cause and effect. It comes down to how we want our children to operate in the world. Do we want obedient children that do not question authority (even when they know it to be wrong) or do we want co-operative children that become part of the solution. I think we want our children to be internally or intrinsically motivated, not out of fear of punishment, not out of threat of force, not out of greed or expectation of reward but because they want to do what is right. We need to teach our children and give them the tools and self-confidence to do what is right when we are not there to guide them.
The Adlerian approach looks at the basics of social equity with the idea that we have equivalent value as human beings but that we are not all equal. As parents we have experience, education, knowledge, and wisdom that a child does not have. This does not mean that we have the right to dominate our children. We need to use techniques that encourage them to make the right choices. Misbehavior is seen as a symptom. The disease is a discouraged or frustrated child and the cure is encouragement, not praise. As parents we need to understand that a misbehaving child is feeling discouraged, and needs to feel that their feelings matter and they have some control over their environment. Instead of “time outs” natural or logical consequences are used. For example if the child refuses to put on a coat the natural consequence is that they will be cold, if they don’t want to eat they will be hungry, if they don’t want to wear socks they will get blisters. Children justs as adults learn experientially. We often don’t give our kids enough credit and confidence that they will learn from their mistakes
The goal of misbehavior for a child is to use what ever tactics they have at their disposal to elicit the desired response in the parents. Talk about reverse psychology. When we use the conditioning type of method used in Supper Nanny we reinforce the same behavior in our children. When they throw a tantrum we come running and try to coerce them to stop or provide additional attention. When they ring the bell we salivate. The four common tactics children use can be categorized as undue attention (the whining child), power struggles (child refuses to put on coat), revenge (child is retaliating for a perceived injustice), or assumed inadequacy (child says “Mommy I can’t do it, you do it for me). In the case of undue attention what the child is really trying to communicate is they need some connection, human touch or they want to be recognized and valued. In power struggles children often want to feel capable, and want to be involved, want choices, or want to help and learn. When a child acts out of revenge it is because they are hurting, kids never hurt first it is always retaliatory. With assumed inadequacy the child wants the parent to believe in them, is asking for help to develop courage and self esteem
There are many more techniques and parents will always have their own individual challenges with each child so I would encourage every parent to take the time to learn more about the Adlerian approach and consider taking a course or reading a few books. If we focus on the root cause of the behavior and address the disease instead of the symptom we will have much happier, healthier children who are motivated to be good for goodness sake.